The Muppet Employment Line

Time for weighty matters. We were discussing this over breakfast this morning, and just barely scratched the surface. Which Muppets would you hire, if you were hiring? We like Kermit for management — stable, rational, has a bit of work experience under his belt already (that news thing he does). Miss Piggy looks like a lawsuit in the making, either suing (bogus sexual harassment) or being sued (genuine assault and battery); Bert seems okay for an employee — but not management. We wouldn’t touch Ernie with a ten-foot monster — way too flaky and he’d always be pulling practical jokes and causing workplace injuries. Cookie Monster seems okay in most non-food, non-customer-relations work. He thinks Big Bird would be okay, I have the Yellow Nightmare pegged as a closet serial killer.

You say?

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About the author: Novelist, writing teacher, on a mission to reprint my out-of-print books and indie-publish my new ones.

20 comments… add one
  • Jeff Hotchkiss Oct 24, 2003 @ 13:04

    I’d hire the Muppet Show Band with Rolf on Piano, and of course, Animal on drums to perform.

    And Skeeter would probably be a good manager, since he had a hell of a time trying to organize the Muppet Show. He did that right?

  • Kram II Oct 24, 2003 @ 5:49

    Statler and Waldorf for business analysts!

  • Scott Lynch Oct 23, 2003 @ 23:54

    Yoda’s technically a Muppet, right?

    Pros: Knows everything and can lift multi-ton weights with a few finger-wiggles. Infinitely patient, not too picky about his living space, probably doesn’t eat much.

    Cons: Has truthfulness issues. His very small lightsaber may be mistaken for a cigarette lighter by extremely unfortunate co-workers; facial reconstructive surgery would not be cheap for them.

  • Linda Sprinkle Oct 23, 2003 @ 16:37

    LOL!! Holly, I want to sit at a breakfast table where people have discussions like this. We used to, when we were able to go out for breakfast without our sons once a week. It helped get us through their adolescence with some measure of sanity. I miss that. It’s one of the things I’m hoping we can resurrect after we move, since it looks like our rent will be lower, along with several other expenses.

  • Scott Oct 23, 2003 @ 13:16

    If the business is demolition you need Crazy Harry, Lew Zealand and Gonzo. Oh and Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker of course.

    PS The Captain from Pigfs in Space was played by Link Hogthrob : )

  • rp Oct 23, 2003 @ 12:45

    Mr. Snuffleupagus should be human resources, specifically employee mental health – I forget what it’s called in corporate America now, but you know the job I’m talking about. The people who listen and make it all better when you have a personal problem.

  • Kellie Oct 23, 2003 @ 9:22

    Oh, we can have Fozzy be the resident Motivational Speaker! Wokka, wokka!

  • tambo Oct 23, 2003 @ 8:27

    Zoe – Outside Sales Rep 🙂
    Grover – Customer Service (or maybe receptionist)
    Elmo – Human Resources
    Dr Teeth (is that right?) – Sales Manager

    and I’d put Gonzo in Marketing 🙂

  • Sheila Oct 23, 2003 @ 8:07

    My LD child always thought Big Bird was a complete moron. I always wanted to know what his mother was thinking, leaving him to wander around when he had the IQ of a carrot.

    If I had to hire someone off the show, it would be the Count for Accounting or Animal as a customer service rep. 🙂

  • Holly Lisle Oct 23, 2003 @ 5:13

    This was a homeschool discussion, wasn’t it?

    Um, no. Actually this was Matt and me.

  • EJ Oct 23, 2003 @ 1:01

    This was a homeschool discussion, wasn’t it? I love those!

    Looks like everyone is covered, except I’d pick Miss Piggy for Executive Secretary. You need somebody strong to keep those execs in line. (Can you say hospital administrator?)

    The rats would be the guys hanging around the water cooler.

    I love Count, Oscar, and the two old guys for accounting!

    I like Grover for public relations. He’s always so happy and helpful.

  • Jamie Oct 22, 2003 @ 22:36

    I agree with Linda Sprinkle completely.

    Mr. Snuffalupagus is far too often overlooked.

  • Bill Johnson Oct 22, 2003 @ 20:19

    I’m a paralegal manager, so I’d have to hire a meticulous person. Bert’s my ideal choice. He’s detail-oriented AND he has his own paperclip collection!

  • chris Oct 22, 2003 @ 16:27

    What about the rats? They always seemed to be hanging around. Maybe they could work for Collections.

    Oh, and the Captain from "Pigs In Space". Definitely Upper-Management material, Dilbert style, of course.

  • Peggy Kurilla Oct 22, 2003 @ 16:07

    I would’ve put Oscar in customer service, simply because it’s so…typical. (grin)

    And of course, Gonzo would have to be hired in there somewhere. Maybe he could go in sales and marketing?

  • Holly Oct 22, 2003 @ 15:59

    I want Sweetums for the muscle. But then, I have ALWAYS had a thing for Sweetums.

  • Mary Oct 22, 2003 @ 15:44

    I absolutely enjoyed this post!

    Now, if my coworkers were muppets, what would they look like and what prominent characteristics would they have?

    You are an evil woman, Holly. I will be thinking about this at work tonight, and I will be laughing.


  • Linda Sprinkle Oct 22, 2003 @ 15:43

    How about Mr. Snuffalupagus, to keep the bird in line?

    Seriously, Mr. Snuffalupagus needs a role just because his name is so cool. I just haven’t figured out what it should be. Any suggestions?

    And Oscar for cheerleader. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

    Actually, Oscar belongs in finance. He’d say no to all expenditures and increase the profits enormously. The two old guys in the balcony (whose names escape me) can help Oscar with keeping the money in the company. They say no to everything, too.

    Then we make the Count an accountant and he can count those profits generated by Oscar and the two guys in the balcony. 🙂

    Animal can help with security and bodyguarding, if you can get him out from behind his drums.

    It’s been way too long since I’ve watched Sesame Street or the Muppet Show or Fraggle Rock, which didn’t get quite as much attention, but I thought was great. Thanks for bringing back some good memories and a bit of fun to the middle of my day. It’s perfect before turning on the VCR and doing that hour of aerobics I do three times a week.

  • Kellie Oct 22, 2003 @ 15:33

    And get the Swedish Chef manning the cafeteria!

    I’d let Miss Piggy be the Muscle, in case you ever need any.

  • Amanda Oct 22, 2003 @ 15:28

    Let’s not forget about Beaker for R&D.

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