Since the kid is now only a few days away from going off to basic training (Air Force), my friend the major sent this to me to help him out. It’s too funny not to share.
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favorable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least
three working days in advance.
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Mumbles to self.
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Brand New Butter Bar
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper – staples are right out.
Says: “Look at choo choo!”
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Chief Master Sergeant
Catches hyper sonic armor piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.