Kicked Back to Square One

I have never been graceful. Fast, yes. I’m a good runner, a quick walker, I like to get places in a hurry.

But graceful? No. In years of nursing, I carried home some hellacious bruises because on my way to codes I would bounce myself off all manner of pointy objects, and not slow down for damage checks or damage prevention.

Years later, when I feel good, I walk fast. And for the first time in months, I was starting to feel good again. So my internal speed regulator bumped me back up to my normal cruise speed—which is about twice as fast as most people seem to walk.

And, because of that whole damn graceful thing, I sped right into an obstacle on the floor in my still-not-unpacked office, whanged myself across the room, careened into the wall, bruised my right wrist and my left thigh from smacking into other objects on the way, and jarred myself so hard my teeth clacked.

But, aside from the bruises, I figured “no harm, no foul,” and went back to my regularly scheduled life, as I have always done.

Two days later, I had a sudden cluster of icepick migraines, which had died down to almost nonexistent in recent weeks. When I went to stand up, the room spun in circles.

And now I’m back to square one, back to being constantly and queasily dizzy, back to migraines, back to being unable to look either left or right without feeling the world lurch.

This time I know how to fix the problem, and this time I know what caused it, so A) I’m not afraid it’s something that will kill me, and B) I should be able to shorten my recovery time.

But I HATE feeling like this. I HATE having to slow down. I already have too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in.

This. Does. Not. Help.

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About the author: Novelist, writing teacher, on a mission to reprint my out-of-print books and self-publish my new ones.

27 comments… add one
  • mnater Sep 27, 2010 @ 20:09

    Wow, Holly, we’re really concerned! It’s been quite a while since we’ve all heard from you, so I’m hoping that just means that you are taking a bit of a break and not that you’ve been laid low this whole time. Either way, my sympathies, and I hope that things start looking up for you soon. Best wishes!

  • Dawn Sep 22, 2010 @ 17:54

    I thought of you when I broke my toe yesterday in a very similar scenario. I think it’s time to slow down just a teensie bit, at least enough so I can see the wall before I run into it.

  • zette Sep 21, 2010 @ 20:11

    Adapting to changes is hell and annoying. However, not adapting is even worse.

    Good luck. We’re here if you need help.

  • Barbara Sep 19, 2010 @ 20:50

    You need Talyn or one of those healers to do their magic! Just finished reading that book… Missed several nights sleep until I finished it. Couldn’t put it down.

  • Patti Sep 19, 2010 @ 14:42

    Ouch! Hoping for a FAST recovery time for you. Speedies need runways instead of obstacle courses. 😉 Let us know how you’re doing – I’ll send “up” a few good words for you.

  • Helenee Sep 19, 2010 @ 1:23

    Oh, dear! I know exactly what you mean — I’m also a fast walker, ending up swallowing the miles alone for lack of match to my pace; and I hate burning inside to do so many things and not being able to because there’s some means missing, like health, money, time, a little help etc. I get furious feeling life pass and me staying nailed down in one place and not being able to go on my way.

    When I was diagnosed with MS, my sister thought about it for a while and came up with a funny conclusion. “Of course,” she said, “it’s only natural for you to develop a nerve situation.” Talk about clear thinking!

    BUT I realized that some times life brings its burden upon us and just slows us down, whether we want it or not, just because it’s life happening, you know. And, since I cannot escape life, I must deal with the frustration, learning not to feel so awful each time something like this happens — because it DOES happen. All the time.

    There are so many ways of existing besides the one we are accustomed to, even for so many years of our lives.

    So, just follow your own advice.

    Think. Sideways.

  • Mary Lou Sep 18, 2010 @ 19:28

    Oh, no poor thing! I tend to do that when I move to fast, ie bump into things and riccochet all over too. It was probably all the little jars that brought u back to the old symptoms. I’m thinking of u!

  • Oscar Nash Sep 18, 2010 @ 18:39

    Some years ago, when I was living in Madiera Beach, FL, there was a
    used bookstore I often passed. They always had a sign in the window, with profound information. One that I remember said:
    “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” Mine is so much more satisfying when I heed that.

  • Alice Sep 18, 2010 @ 15:48

    I hope you mend quickly.

  • Margaret Sep 18, 2010 @ 15:12

    Hey, you got the important stuff. The cause and prevention. Slowing down is a horrible thing, but better than the consequences, and who knows, maybe slowing down will help get your balance in order better than ever before and you can speed up a little again.

    I say this as a careener myself. I never know where the bruises came from cause I barely noticed the impact if I did at all.

    Hang in there. Adapting to new circumstances is torture but doable.

  • MizLoo Sep 16, 2010 @ 17:59

    I like what LittleSister had to say. Personally, I over-scheduled, over-worked and over-controlled until the universe sent a slate blackboard flying off the wall onto my head. Traumatic brain injury forced me to restructure my life more healthfully. Sometimes I miss my old self, but the life I have now is so far superior in so many ways to the life i insisted on constructing for myself, until the universe struck me upside the head and insisted I pay attention.

    Take care of yourself and perhaps learn Tai Chi walking as a way of centering and slowing down thoughtfully.

    I love your writing & you can’t write when you are rushing around.

  • Dawn Sep 16, 2010 @ 17:02

    I hate that you can’t catch a break. 🙁

  • LisaM Sep 16, 2010 @ 1:19

    Oh dear, that sounds really painful. 🙁

    I’m sorry to hear that it’s caused a resurgence of the migraines and dizziness, but glad that you know what you need to do to recover quickly. With so much you want to get done, it’s important that you are in the best state of health to achieve it all.

    Take care of yourself and all the best.

  • Astropolis Sep 15, 2010 @ 5:00

    Ow! Holly, that’s awful!

    I only wish I could rush you into Space Fleet medical. Try chocolate, keep eating it until you feel better.

  • gabby Sep 14, 2010 @ 20:26

    Holly, I’m SO sorry to hear that. I hope the meds work at least passably well.

  • Texanne Sep 14, 2010 @ 14:56

    ThePencilNeck is right. Feel better.

  • Littlesister Sep 14, 2010 @ 9:27

    Ah, what a bummer, Holly.
    Basically though, I concur with Danielle: the Universe talking to you, etc.
    I would like to share something, because you have shared so much with us and helped so many of us, realising it might be ill received, and it might sound as if I’m totally off my rocker, because none of this is “science” and all of it is personal experience and opinion, and you might not at all appreciate this kind of “sharing”.
    Having said that, you can always delete my message if you deem it too personal or offensive.
    It is my personal belief – therefore as valid or invalid as the next person’s – that one always gets served what one is projecting into the world. In other words “a person’s inner states are reflected in their life circumstances”. This is a statement that a good many people will get angry over, I realize. To them I can only say “Well, ok then, that is not how you see things, fine! Forget I said anything…”
    Again, in my opinion a person attracts certain situations because they need to “learn” something they’re not getting just yet. And life is trying to show each person the way; gently at first, if you refuse to listen with progressively harder taps on the shoulder, all the way down to physical conditions and even accidents.
    So, it sounds to me like your subconscious “wants” to get you immobilized and not working, so you can give it some attention. To address what? Only you can answer this question…
    You might totally not share this belief and not want to entertain any thoughts in this direction, in which case I apologize for having (possibly majorly) annoyed you.
    In case you do, or are willing to give it a shot, it might be worth asking yourself a couple of questions, like what it is you have not been willing to address/see/learn.
    In my own experience, the answers to such questions don’t always come easily, and then I proceed to “interpreting” the physical symptoms according to their symbolism. Like thus:
    *for me, I insist*, the head signifies thinking/thoughts; headaches and migraines (which I also get) mean that I am torn inwardly over some issue, that I want two opposing or irreconcilable things; dizziness (which I also get) also means inner conflict, but it can also mean fear of meaninglessness, of a futile existence, of needing to exist for a reason which is not just simply “being” me but doing stuff to prove I am worthy.
    Sorry if this sounds like I’m telling you what to do, that is not at all my purpose. I just wanted to share what I would do if it happened to me …
    All the best with your – hopefully speedy – recovery.

    • gabby Sep 14, 2010 @ 20:28

      as fyi, Holly’s is from a medical issue, not regular migraines. (not that there is anything “regular” about migraines either). If you look back you can see some of the stuff she’s been through with these terrible things.

  • thepencilneck Sep 13, 2010 @ 23:04

    Aw, man.

    Feel better. And… like… try not to damage yourself any more.

  • JM Sep 13, 2010 @ 22:57

    As a 40+ person who is clumsy, I can understand the bouncing off of inanimate objects, walking on ankles, slipping on ice, and other more intimate episodes of clumsiness, I have come to a compromise with my own clumsiness. After these episodes I must decide whether to go the emergency room to heal what hurts or whether the injury will heal itself. What I don’t experience is the vertigo and migraines that you have.

    In the last five years, primarily because it’s such a pain in the ass to report things to my employer, the following are unreported. I know I’ve hit a deer with the car, and I believe I’ve fractured an elbow, sprained an ankle, sprained a rib (according to the chiropractor), sprained a thumb, and many other lesser injuries.

    I am sorry that you aren’t as elegant as you wish to be, but even more, I wish you didn’t have to experience the aftereffects of your inelegance. I hope your recovery is short.

    JM

  • Deb Salisbury Sep 13, 2010 @ 22:18

    If I’m not tripping over things, I’m dropping (and breaking) them. You have my sympathies.

    I hope this spell eases up soon!

  • Brittany Sep 13, 2010 @ 20:40

    Aw, I’m really sorry, Holly. 🙁 You sound like me, too. Once I tripped over a chair, flew into a wall, and cracked my head open. 😛

  • TimK Sep 13, 2010 @ 14:29

    Yes, please do recuperate, and I’m glad you know what went wrong and how to fix it. I still keep you in my thoughts and prayers. -TimK

    P.S. I’m adoring Talyn, BTW, and I’m so, so sorry I took so long before I read it. This is one of the best books I’ve ever read, maybe the best. Going right on to Hawkspar. Can’t wait to see how Talyn deals with her issues.

    -TimK

  • JimC Sep 13, 2010 @ 13:29

    Geez Holly, you sound like me. I decided to fall down our stairs recently instead of walking. Neither you nor I are 18 anymore. Be careful. Hope you feel better soon.

    By the way, loving the latest Talymana.

  • Meredith Sep 13, 2010 @ 13:29

    Oh, I sympathize, Holly…I am the queen of klutz (you may well be the Empress!). Here’s hoping you heal quickly and that the migraines, etc., no longer afflict you.

  • Michelle Sep 13, 2010 @ 13:11

    I’m so sorry. I hope your recovery will go much faster this time around. Good luck and try to take it easy.

  • Danielle Sep 13, 2010 @ 12:14

    Oh, dear… Poor Holly. 🙁 I think the universe is telling you to kick back and slow down, even if this is a crappy way for it to do so! I hope it goes away quickly this time!

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